So why the hell am I a Republican?

Good question. Short answer: because it is a brick in the face to all those simpering little bitches (especially the guys) who insist that, as a bien pensant Good Bisexual, I should be a Democrat and a (little "s") socialist. I could call myself a Libertarian, but that doesn't carry the weight of calling myself a Republican. That offends them. (Hmm, this may be why I haven't had a date in ages. Also, I am not a libertarian, no matter how you capitalize it: I am a classical liberal.)

Long answer: look at the history of political parties in America: we see Jefferson's pro-slavery Republican Party split into the National Republicans and the Democratic Republicans. The latter became the Democratic-Republicans, then the Democrats (c. 1824) we know today. On the other side, the Federalist/Whig/Free Soil/Know Nothing (American) parties all imploded before the modern, anti-slavery Republican Party was formed in 1854. Its very name, and calling it the Grand Old Party, was a deliberate bit of spin doctoring to steal Jefferson's thunder from the Democrats; doubly ironic in that it was the ideological descendant of Jefferson's hated enemy, the Federalist Party.

The Democrats were pro-slavery, pro-French Revolution, pro-Jim Crow, pro-New Deal, pro-union (especially the racist ones, yum!), pro-d├ętente, pro-Socialist, pro-Communism, pro-political correctness... I mean, my God, is there anything bad they have not championed?

Implementing racial segregation in the U.S. military? Democrats! The bankrupt, irreformable entitlements of Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid? Democrats! Employer-based healthcare (and its discrimination against gay couples and polygamists)? Democrats! Withholding tax? Democrats! George Wallace and poll taxes? Democrats!

The only freedom the Democrats offer, supposedly, is sex, and who runs the anti-porn and anti-sex campaigns today? Neo-Marxist feminism: by volume (much of it hot air), 70% of the feminism you see on the internet: are they whining about the patriarchy? Class? Race? Male privilege? False consciousness? Are they debating which women are not truly feminist? That's because they're neo-Marxist, who are always debating whose Marxism is purer! I used to think I hated feminism until I realized how the neo-Marxists permeated it; now, I am pro-feminist, but still violently anti-Marxist.

The gender theorists (when you see the dread word Theory, you're reading a neo-Marxist) who are desperately trying to de-privilege heterosexuality from its natural perch as the majority position, and the one that allows the continuation of the mankind? Neo-Marxists!

And they are all in the Democratic Party! They are trying to make common cause with Iran (who stone and hang homosexuals) and plea for understanding for the Taliban (who drop walls on gays) by building some kind of moral cloaking device between Islamist terrorists (a small proportion of Muslims who are trying by intimidation to rule the larger populations) and their own superficial beliefs. But in the Left's deeper beliefs, that we are all victims of Capitalism (a Marxist word), of Patriarchy (again), of False Consciousness (again); that our common values are traps designed by these hidden, privileged powers (Structuralism) (again); well, on that deeper level, their identfication with the religious paranoia ("Capitalism is a plot of the evil Jooooooooos!") of the Islamists is perfect and matched.

Why am I a Republican? Because they stand against all that! Because I am willing to stand as an enemy to those people. I am proud of it; these enemies reflect well on me. Because Mike Huckabee will never show up on my doorstep with a torch-bearing mob, while the Democrats prepare to seize control over 18% of the U.S. economy and my body. Because gay marriage is overrated and virtually unnecessary but for the Democrats' meddling! Because the Chinese and the Russians are running North Korea and Iran, and they need to be opposed. Because in the modern world of supersonic flight, our mighty ocean moats are nothing but puddles so our bases overseas reflect the military idea of "defense in depth." So I support them!

Does the Republican party require an ideological enema? You betcha. Do they need a kick in the ass? Oh, yes. Is the party superstructure corrupt? Yes. But the base... the base is worth saving. The base is worth destroying the Party and reconstituting it along better lines.

And that is why I am a Republican.

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