The Onion overtaken

The Onion is being overtaken by the real news. Hardee's has introduced (this is its real name) the Monster Thickburger: two-thirds of a pound of beef, three slices of cheese, four of bacon, mayo and a buttered, toasted bun. 1,420 Calories.

I'm hungry.

The quote:

Health-safety activist Michael Jacobson denounced the new [burger].

"They would argue they are just giving people what they want. I would say this is beyond the pale," said Jacobson, executive director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest. "Probably no nutritionist ever imagined that a product like this would be marketed."

All we need are Tycho and Gabe arguing over the burger: "There's no way you can handle that much nougat, let alone the flowing caramel. Hand over that Snickers®!" "You'd have to kill me first."

Really, do all nutritionists lack imagination? I guess they do. Creme brulée, Babe Ruth, sausage gravy, Diamond Jim Brady and Gorgonzola-smothered chicken have left them completely unprepared for this fresh assault.

In other news, the Captain and Tennille are, I fervently hope, going to end up in jail. Probation violations are like that. And dealing out of the apartment to crowds of the young and stupid. Not to mention messing with the A/C controls. That right there will cost them heavily.